Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

all toddlers look the same when telling a story