Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.