Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing