I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
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Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?