Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

You Might Also Like


Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.


At confession today I felt like I could finally breathe, until the priest told me to put my clothes back on.


My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.


Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.


“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*


ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know


I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself


I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.


Never ask Google for relation advice.
I’ve gone from small disagreement to getting two mails from divorce lawyers in three clicks.