@NoticablyBacon

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

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@LloBrow

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

@Queen_Sassy_AF

At confession today I felt like I could finally breathe, until the priest told me to put my clothes back on.

@JohnLyonTweets

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

@zacharyflynn

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

@Coolisiana

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

@ch000ch

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

@dumbbeezie

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

@9262Laura

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

@i_wantMyBiitch

Never ask Google for relation advice.
I’ve gone from small disagreement to getting two mails from divorce lawyers in three clicks.