Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
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My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.