I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
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Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Yeah, that’s it.
No, not there. *opens your vein*
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich