Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
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The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Uh oh 👀
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
girls literally only want one thing..
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.