Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

my name if I was in the mob

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.