Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
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Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
