Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

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DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

mariah carrie

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.