Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
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Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Oh deer
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka