Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
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Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it