Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
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me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I think the cat got the dog high.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.