Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
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If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
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100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s