Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

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My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.