Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
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the way he checked his surroundings 😭
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”