Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
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At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.