Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

I have so many questions.

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Dear Lord..

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

tfw you realize …

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

Bed should get ready for ME

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.