Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

S M O L

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

Taliband

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek