Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*