Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
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I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Many hands make light work
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.