Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

Thank you 🥹

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

Cake safety first. Always.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous