Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whatcha thinkin bout

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go