Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
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Me: hi! I鈥檓 here for my appointment.
Doctor鈥檚 office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I鈥檓ma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you鈥檙e in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you鈥檙e not a very good rapper.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he鈥檚 still waiting.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I鈥檓 like a potato because I鈥檓:
-not special, but I鈥檓 usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I鈥檓 salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
馃槀馃槀馃槀
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don鈥檛 say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”