Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

True story 🤣

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window