Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

are they though??

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.