Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.