Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
You Might Also Like
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.