Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
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“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying