If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
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“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Sex so good you see dead people.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
“Why you watching this shit?”