Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
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friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?