Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
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Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀