Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
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All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”