Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
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we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Me when my alarm goes off
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…