instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
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Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
You’ll be OK
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND