Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

Damn he played himself

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.