instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
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Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
🤣
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger