instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
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Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.