instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
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I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.