instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
You Might Also Like
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Lmfaoooooo
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
just leave it at the foot of the bed
