instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
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When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Perfect
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.