Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.