Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY