Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
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If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.