Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

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We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters


Is life fair? Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooo.


“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”



wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit


I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. My wife is in for a treat tonight.


The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.


Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it


I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.