@Pork_Chop_Hair

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

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@KentWGraham

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

@ColoChiver

Is life fair? Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooo.

@MaraWritesStuff

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

-Facebook

@iwearaonesie

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

@TheMichaelRock

I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. My wife is in for a treat tonight.

@68Cly29

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

@0v3rthOught

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

@shelldash

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.