Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
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My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then