Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.