Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

idk flipping houses looks really hard

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Oh deer

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography