Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
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Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
The 4 stages of a family vacation
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.