Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
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10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Stop being racist to kettles.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train