Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains