Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

crying

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.