Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.