Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
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Hitlers gonna hitl
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”