Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Sometimes? I’m slipping

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

You better watch out

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional