Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
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My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.