Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
hello pervert is such a strong opener
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I’m not wrong
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
