Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.