Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
You Might Also Like
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I’ve been drinking.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.