Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
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Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Who did it better?
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*