Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
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[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”