Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
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Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Our lord and savoury.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.