Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
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It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My favorite female superhero
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*