Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you