Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
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I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I support this random dude and all his protests
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
absolutely not
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh