Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
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HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
it was a valiant fight
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries