instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
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We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
english majors be like furthermore
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
These dogs look like they have good credit.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.