instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
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murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life