instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
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If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!