instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
every college guy’s fridge
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
this site is so cooked lol
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
LA today:
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
peep davidson
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Breaking news:
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god