instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
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Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Bruh PLEASE
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
The booster protects against what, now?
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Hero horse inspires millions
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…