Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
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watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom