My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
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Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Me irl
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Oh boy, $150,000!
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]