Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
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If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
#growingpains
