Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
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According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.