Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
You Might Also Like
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”