Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

What a website

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever