Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
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You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
What the dentist sees
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum